The Birds and the Bees
by The Prettiest Frog in the Pond
Summary: Granny Pinako realises that, without parents, Ed has never had 'The Talk'. She takes it upon herself to give it to him, much to Ed's mortification. Oneshot.


"Ed, get in here a moment."

"I'm coming, Granny!"

Pinako stood by the door, pipe in mouth, a slight frown on her face. Edward had just returned to Rizembul for automail repairs, and while fixing him up, she'd realised something.

"Ed, have you had the talk yet?"

Ed looked a mixture between ill and surprised. "Wha-what?"

"The talk. I assume you know what I mean."

Ed went bright pink. "Uh, yeah, it's all fine, I- I know how it all works, you don't need to-"

"Have you had the talk, or do you just know how it works? Because those are two different things."

"I- uh-"

"You learnt about the female reproductive system when you were trying to resurrect your mother, am I right?"

Ed was by this point such a deep shade of red he matched his coat. "I- I- yes, I-"

"You know about the menstrual cycle?"

"Granny!"

"Answer the question, midget."

"I'm not short, you hag!"

"Question, Ed."

"I- yes. Can I go now? Please?"

"So what you're saying is you know how the female part works, but not the male?"

"I- I- Granny!"

"Hm. So you don't know?"

Ed went, if possible, even redder, and mumbled something.

"What was that, Ed? My hearing's not as good as it used to be."

"I- I know how the male... things... work. In case I had to make a new body for Al."

"I see. That's just like you to only look at things when you think they're useful. Do you know about sex?"

"Granny!" Ed said rather desperately. "Do you have to do this? I- I can ask Hughes or Havoc or somebody- or even Mustang!"

"Major Armstrong's here, I could ask him to talk to you if you'd prefer."

The colour drained from Ed's face. A vision came to mind of pink sparkles, and a technique for explaining puberty passed down through generations.

"No. Not Armstrong, please! I'll listen, just... don't ask Armstrong." he shuddered.

"I thought so. Now sit down, young man."

Ed took a seat opposite Granny Pinako.

"I assume you know about the actual sex itself?"

"Yes!" said Ed, very quickly. He did not need _Granny Pinako_ explaining sex to him. That would be... just... he shuddered again.

"I don't know what you're so bothered about, Pipsqueak. I did all this once."

Ed squeezed his eyes tightly shut. _Think about something else, think about something else... Uh, the transmutation circle for wood is three triangles and... did she call me short?_

"Ed? Are you listening to me?"

"...Yes, Granny."

"Good. Now, puberty is when your body starts to change from a child's to an adult's, yes? And... Ed, pay attention! For goodness' sake, it's not the first time I've done this, you know. I did have a son, once."

"Yeah, but... Winry's dad- it's different. You were his Mom. You're my friend's grandma."

"Just pay attention. Now, your body goes through a lot of changes, and you'll probably be noticing girls a bit more-"

_You are not getting the talk from Granny Pinako. It's okay, you're in central library, researching the stone... Now, the Philosophers' stone is an alchemic battery which stores enough power to bypass the laws of-_

"-and having strange dreams, and sometimes you might find you-"

_-Equivalent Exchange. It is made using the souls of-_

"-cold showers. You should remember to-"

_-living people, sacrificed during creation of the stone. The Ishballen method of creating the stone uses-_

"-and you'll need to wash more often too. You might have a growth spurt, although considering it's you we're talking about, you might not. You-"

_-more lives than the- hey, wait, she called me short!_

"I'm not short, mini-hag!"

"Ah, so you are listening. Now, when you do start wanting to-"

Ed went bright red. _It's okay, just don't listen, just don't listen, don't listen..._

"-safe sex. You need to-"

_Don't listen, don't listen, don't listen..._

"-condom. Also-"

_Don't listen, don't listen..._

"-remember to-"

_Don't listen don't listen don't listen DON'T LISTEN-_

"-And it's important to-"

_LALALALALALA..._

"Ed? Ed, are you listening to me?"

"Yes, Granny."


End file.
